Facing the True Face of Your Fears

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I don’t know about you, but fear is definitely  one of my greatest barriers in achieving my goals. Take this blog for example, everyday I get ideas that I would love to share, inspirations for articles and posts. Yet everyday, I come up with an excuse. I need a new layout. I need to make a Twitter account. I need to decide what font represents me (yes, its deep like that) To be honest, I am posting today because I was forced to! One of my personal life coaches basically told me to put up or shut up, to stop dragging my feet, and waiting for perfection. She told me that I don’t need another class, another book, another lesson, the only lesson I need to learn is that of putting knowledge to action. I am grateful for her motivation, but I know that in order to get past my procrastination, keep posting and actively making this site what I want it to be, requires me to deal directly with  the underlying fear that is holding me back in the first place.

We are usually told to “conquer” our fears. Face them head on. But whenever you try to attack or confront something, it usually comes back, with a vengeance or manifests itself in a different form. Especially when what you’re facing is probably just a symptom of the fear and not the cause.

The only way to truly conquer a fear, is to get to the root of it.

For me, the root cause of my fear, is a self-worth issue. While I am often a cheerleader for other people and see the best in other people, the rose-colored glasses definitely come off when the subject is myself. For as long as I can remember, there was a very particular mold of success as far as my family was concerned.  Doctor. Lawyer. Teacher. Careers that could be summarized in one word, or were easily explained in weekly phone calls overseas. Being the middle child of 3 girls, there was no room for adventure or passion, at least not in my mind. My younger sister was the “creative” one, a theater major, traveling to auditions in NY before she was 16, involved in film productions, going to college in the City.  My older sister was the “rebellious” one, went off to school in New Hampshire, pierced her tongue, had my amazing nephew without being married, essentially did what she wanted to do. In my head, I guess like I was counted on to be the straight-laced one, to follow in the footsteps of my aunts and grandfather and become a teacher, do something practical and safe with my life. For a while, that was fine, I assumed the dream my family had for me was the same one I had for myself.

However, as  I get older, the images I receive concerning my purpose and the directions I’m led to are vastly different from those safe and still my family painted. My dreams now are more vivid, more clear, more audacious than anything I could have imagined a few years ago, and quite frankly, that scares the living crap out of me! Even still what scares me even more if the thought of not attempting to reach these goals. But as I continue on this journey to fulfilling my purpose, I constantly come up against the fear of disappointing my family, or not achieving success according to their definition.

This creates a major challenge for me because I  live in fear of falling on my face if I don’t follow their mold, at looking silly for trying to be different, and ending up  in a compromised position, dreading that “i told you so.”  As a result, I freeze up when it comes to taking chances, or trying something new, because I know I won’t get it perfect the first time around and I have somehow convinced myself that anything less than perfect equals complete failure.

As my journey continues to take me in all kinds of direction, I have to remind myself of the root of my fear, that stems from the family I was born into and none from my own consciousness. If I want to change that, I have to constantly remind myself that I have the power to create my own definition of success and that failure is a necessary element to true success. It is not enough to simply remind myself, I have to keep facing those fears, and speaking directly to them, almost like a child. “Fear, I know where you come from, and I know why you exist. But I know these dreams I have aren’t going to achieve themselves, so can you get out of my way, while I give this new thing a try?”

We must honor all aspects of ourselves, including those ideas and people who helped shape us. In honoring the origins of our fears, not with judgment, or anger, only observation and clarification. Most of our fears were imposed on us by people who love us for our own protection. By gently reminding ourselves that we choose a different way and confirm our safety in face of those fears, we free ourselves to follow a different path, despite the unknown obstacles.

Try writing a letter to your fear explaining who and what causes you to be afraid and what that fear is preventing you from doing. Whenever fear tries to inhibit you, pull out your letter and remind yourself of what is stopping you. If you’re up to it, share it in the comments as inspiration to someone else who may be facing a similar fear.

 

Far away from here…

MoE Fam!

It’s been too long (Thank you to my beloved Kwateng for reminding me of this :0) Lately I’ve been having some wonderful adventures, New Orleans, NY,Toronto, but I can’t help but shake this overwhelming sense of melancholy every time I return to Philly. Now because I know that we create our circumstances and our situations, ‘ not even going to front and blame it entirely on this city, but there’s is a feeling of defeat, and loneliness, and isolation that I have been bringing with me to this space that I leave behind when I hit the road out of here. I havent really figure out why that is. It could be because I still after all these years have not formed a community for myself outside of the work that I do. Now for me, that was never an issue, because my work was young people and that was my life. My community was made up of fellow passionate educators or leaders who also loved youth and that was our major connection…but now leaving my job (I am officially an unemployee..more on that later) has left me with this sense of longing for identity and community and something to connect with people over, which is difficult considering Im kinda struggling with what to connect with myself over lol. I had the most amazing experience in New Orleans where I was surrounded by people who were seemingly chilling but doing some amazing things in their own right. It was straight out of a like 1920′s art deco film ( i dont really know what that means but it sounds fitting for the scene im describing lol) Everyday, my brother and i would hang out at this coffee shop (the symbolism of this place being named Community Coffee Shop is not lost on me) and I would meet the chillest people who were doing the dopest things from  hosting the gathering of awesome minds with nothing but a food truck and backyard, musicians about to go on tour, folks who owned their own home school collectives, and so much more. But this one sister, did it for me, homegirl owned a boutique, was an artist and stylist, had just come back from a 3 month world tour hanging in West Africa with her father whom she had met only as an adult and then stopped off in Belgium to recoup and go vintage shopping! But that’s not even what did it for me, when I asked her what she did, since I too have been conditioned to try to define people by what they do to earn a living, she said to me, ” I’m blessed to do many things that I love and the Universe sustains me.”

Changed my life.

Hearing those words brought me such a sense of peace, confirming that yes we can do whatever the heck we want to do and the Universe will always provide. It doesn’t have to fit into some neat little box or title or job description. I don’t have to be able to explain it to my parents or my family members, or other random people who wonder why I would leave a “secure” job like teaching, an Ivy League degree and a Masters in education and walk away from it all to find out what it is that I really love to do and how I really want to live…More importantly, I dont even have to know that answer myself…at least not right now. This whole thing called life is just an experiment, everything is a variable and controls are an illusion. So I have to trust myself to test the variables.

Which brings me back to Philly.

As much as I have dissed this place, Philly has held me down in the traditional sense of life. Philly has given me the title of “Penn  Student”, “Executive Director”, ” “Board member”,etc and for the last 9 years, I needed that or at least I thought I did to set the foundation for the next phase. Now as I get ready to take off into the next phase, I find myself being uncomfortable in this space where none of those titles are relevant but I’m still physically occupying the same space. Redefinition is always easier when people don’t know who you used to be. But in the words of my girl Jillian Micheals, I guess i better get comfortable with being uncomfortable! I still have a couple of months to go and a few things I need to wrap up. Not to mention some amazing people Ive met while I’ve been here that Id like to take with me into Life 2.0…at least maybe that way, ill always have a couch to sleep on if I ever want to come back and visit my old self in Philly :0)

Peace, love, and many blessings,

Empress

I secretly…

just want to scream “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK” at the top of my lungs…as loud as i can, preferably on the top of a building. Everything in my life feels like it’s in transition right now. Everything is changing (which i realize is the only constant i can count on) I keep reaching out for something familiar to hold on to but with every failure or disappointment, i realize resistance is futile. You cant cling to the past for safety because it doesn’t exist anymore. But i guess these are the times when you realize that you are the only constant and at the end of the day, the only thing you can rely on, is you. le sigh. So much easier said than done.

The Process of Prayer: Your Emotional Evacuation Plan

My earliest memory of reciting anything is reciting the Lords Prayer every night with my mother and sisters before bed. Before every outing, long drive, departure from a loved one, my mother insisted that we as a family came together in prayer, usually reciting a psalm or some other composed prayer that anyone who had ever been to church could join in. My mother was hella Catholic. I mean like Mass every Sunday, confession, First Communion, rosary beads and celebrations to the Virgin Mary and all of those random saints. Of course like any self respecting child, I rebelled at the first chance I could (im still not sure if my mother has forgiven me for not getting confirmed) and ran kicking and screaming from anything that even resembled a Cross or a cathedral. My spiritual journey before and after my mother passed has brought me to a whole new understanding about my mother’s faith and what she really sought to teach us through her inundation with her spiritual community. My momma by no means was  a religious fanatic, or even unwaveringly committed to the teachings of Jesus Christ or any other dogma. What my mother was instilling in us was an Emotional Emergency Response System, one that she knew at some point in life, that no matter how much we tried to resist, we would need and be able to return to, no longer how long we strayed from it. Similar to fire drills we were annoyingly forced to practice in school, my mother knew that she needed to train her children on what to do in case of emotional emergency By teaching us the process and the power of prayer, my mother taught me a lesson in clarity and sanity that I am eternally grateful. Here is what I understand of the process and why regardless of spiritual system or even belief in “God” in the religious sense, prayer is one of the most powerful tools for regaining balance when you find yourself faltering…

 1. Prayer requires us to be still

It is impossible to pray without being still. Think about the moment when something crazy happens, so crazy that there is nothing in your worldly power that you can think to do to alter the circumstance. The moment that you decide that whatever your relationship with “God”, “the Universe” or whatever other euphemism you choose is the only Source you can think of to intervene in the current situation. You stop. Regardless of where you are, how hectic the situation, usually preempted by a huge breath, you turn inward, shut  out the outside world and connect with your Center. At that very moment, you have taken one step higher on the ladder of Spiritual evolution, which is all any religion or system challenges us to do. As members of the animal kingdom, our animal instincts at sign of trouble or threat is to run away or stay and do battle with whatever we are facing. All of our blood runs, literally, goes down to our legs, getting us ready to either take off like a bat out of hell or beat the heck out of whatever it is that we are facing. But the minute we enter prayer position, in that brief moment of stillness and pure breath, we allow for the return of blood flow to our upper extremities, including our brain and we recover the ability to make a decision from a more evolved state of being. A very simple explanation for why so many claim to hear the voice of God in prayer.

 2. Prayer gives you the words when you are at a loss

I have a multitude of prayers and psalms committed to memory, and was trained very specifically with an arsenal to use as different times. Lost and confused? Psalm 23. Grateful, feeling blessed? Psalm 121. Lacking, feeling like you are in need? The Lord’s Prayer. Lonely? Psalm 1 will get you through. Even though I take major issue with the way most of the world utilizes the Bible, I am eternally grateful that my mother and aunts forced me to recite these prayers over and over and gave me context for when I should use them. How many times have we been in crisis and could not find the words to articulate what we felt or more importantly what we needed? How often are we in such a bad state that we can not speak a word to ourselves and defeated by our own limited vocabulary and thinking? Having a prayer in your pocket eliminates that because the words are there for you to borrow from until you can find your own voice. They are a gift from centuries ago that somewhere else in the world, someone penned the words that spoke exactly to what you are experiencing, and provide the blueprint for why you will be able to overcome what ever it is you are dealing with and if that a comfort, then I’m not sure what is..which leads me to my next point.

 3. Prayer creates community

Ultimately, we are all divinely connected and most of our suffering comes when we forget that simple fact. By praying, we return to that place of connection and centeredness that reunites us with the rest of humanity. When you recite a common prayer, you are immediately placed in the chorus of everyone else who has recited that prayer.  More than likely if you learned the prayer, have recited it as sometime with a community of other people in prayer. For those moments, when your back is up against the wall and you feel like it is you against the world, how awesome it is it, with one quick passage, to be able to mentally return to  a chorus of people united for the same spiritual purpose?  That mental trigger alone can bring you back to a place that comforts you enough to help you through that place of pain. Even if you don’t know any memorized prayers, the very posture of prayer, old school prayer, eyes closed, head bows, knees to ground, connects us to the Earth and directs us to close our eyes to the physical present world and connects with something beyond ourselves that we cannot see, yet we feel its presence in our humbled posture. That connection is what empowers us to move beyond our current state and know that there is light beyond our current moment.

I’m glad that my spiritual journey has brought me to a place where I can embrace prayers from all spiritual beliefs and even more importantly find God everywhere.  For folks who are uncertain of God’s existence or weren’t brought up in a spiritual community,   you can replace the word “prayer” throughout with  poem, song, affirmation. Whatever it is, make sure to build up your arsenal in your happy times so that when you need it the most, your process is so internalized, that you can call on it almost instinctually…sort of a stop, drop, and roll for spiritual fires. If you need help, start with Psalm 23…feel free to replace all the Lord references with whatever Power you connect with for confirmation that the world is bigger than you.

I’d love to hear what do you do in case of emotional emergencies? I’d love to hear about it.

Out and about with the Empress: Episode 1

Sup MoE massive! I’ve decided to add a new feature to MoE that highlights some of the Empress approved outings in Philly and other cities I visit…y’all know a sista’s got standards and I am tired of bogus reviews that don’t reflect my interests or my aesthetic so I’ve decided to spotlight some of the things that make the Empress go “Mmmmm” :0). If you have any suggestions for nouns  (ie person, places, things) I should check out, please share! Enjoy

1st Up: the Foreign Exchange at World Cafe Live

One thing I have been able to count on Philly consistently for is good live music, generally for a lot less than in other cities. This weeks outing was no exception, I saw the Foreign Exchange live at World Cafe Life, and hands down, one of my fav shows thus far! Good music, great ambiance, and your boy Phonte is HILARIOUS! The show felt like part feel good music/ part comedy show “shout out to all my Moscato ninjas in the balcony” and all feel good vibes. Loved the energy, loved the music, loved the jokes. FE definitely gets 4 out of 5 lightas and the Empress Crown of Approval! And your girl definitely has a friend crush on Phonte’s silly self (Call me boo!) If you aren’t familiar with the Foreign Exchange, click the link and check em out. Take a listen to the track below for a little taste..and peep the gorgeous sista in the video! I can def support anyone who uses her as the love interest in a music video!

Trying to keep my plate clean!

MoE Massive,

Whats good! I know, i know, the Empress has been MIA…but if I told you all of the things I’ve been up to in between now and my last post 1) you’d be exhausted 2) you might consider excusing my triflingness :0)  Since the last time we spoke, I completed my Certificate in Non Profit management, I also completed a certificate in Non Profit Leadership (which is in fact very different) combined I pretty much received a Master’s Degree in Non Profit Administration. I have spent a lot of time cleaning out my life, from my apartment,to my computer, to my phone, to my calendar, all the way down to my love life. I decided that I was not adding anything new to my plate, simply committing to clearing off what is currently on it. My brother wrote  people who are always talking about how busy they are but they really aint doing nothing…i definitely didn’t want to be that chick! But seriously, I have had so much going on this year that I don’t think I’ve given myself time to digest and full intake all of the lessons that I have been learning. So as things are cleared off of my plate, I’ve decided to leave my plate empty for a little while.Give myself some time to digest as well as  take some time to figure out what exactly I really want to put and keep on my plate.

Case in point, I’m leaving my job in June. I have resigned, I’m out. Since the info went public, I have received almost 5 job offers. Offers like, “we’ve heard about you and we would love to have you work with us, say the word and the job is yours” offers. And they say we’re in a recession! I am so grateful. Grateful that my reputation precedes me in such a positive way but more so grateful that I am choosing to say, “Thanks, I sincerely appreciate the offer, but that is not where I want to be or what I want to do right now.” Acting from a place of abundance and a belief that you I have exactly what I want has been the most liberating of experiences!As I take the time to be still and focus on what it is that I really want,  I receive more confirmation in the form of offers that are closer and closer to feeling right for me. Now as soon as I figure out exactly what it is that I want, will be in business! lol

So far, the only thing I am committed to this year is finishing my degree and leaving the country. I got an A in the class that I took this Spring (raaaaaae!) and I am taking 3 classes this summer. I will be student teaching in the Fall and completing a Masters Thesis, which I am hella excited about. I realized recently that  I never really understood what scholarship was in undergrad, I never really understood what it meant to do research and study a topic just out of personal interest or curiosity. So now that I have sort of discovered that I really like learning and studying and there are some topics that I really want to delve further into, I am excited to have this opportunity to do it in an official capacity with an advisor to sort of guide me through the process.  I am committed to rocking this degree, like finishing up with straight As and really putting my full effort into being a master  teacher so I can put that notch in my belt and essentially put the gold seal on the work I’ve been doing for the last 10-15 years. I honestly don’t know what  want to do after that (which is a whole nother post in itself) but I’m ok with that because the time for that is not now. I have my next mission, being a Master Student and Teacher, and that is what I am committing my energy to right now.  I am confident in the fact that everything happens in its time and I have absolutely nothing to worry about because as my Executive coach said to me earlier this week ” When you know something is for you, you are abundantly clear.” I know that’s right! Everything in its time.

Theres some other goodies that have been in the works with me, including the documentary film class that I took..Ill give you the deets on that in my next post. Also remind me to tell you about my video journals, my therapist, and my Mother’s Day. I’m definitely going to make a concerted effort to write a little more regularly. Perhaps once a week? That’s not an official commitment but ill let you all know the next time I update.In the meantime,

Keep climbing,

Empress

ED Diaries

I’m in a good space today. At work today, I had the opportunity to take a step back, to see my students in action and it reminded me of the importance of doing what I do. While it made me a little sad that I would be leaving, it also renewed my inspiration to go out with not just a bang but a plan so that we can make sure that this continues to happen. I love it. From my babies learning about Antigua and Dominica and actually saying the words “I never knew that…I want to go there.” to my old heads learning how to make IPhone apps and getting excited about STEM careers, they are just so beautiful. I’m glad to know them and be apart of their experience.

Peep the article that further reiterates…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charles-howard/ase-college-kids-remind-u_b_844795.html?ref=fb&src=sp

Speak words so beautiful to my soul
send me searching, only to find myself.
Full circles stand still at center.
~me

Just a little something I thought of when reflecting on the wonderful words of wisdom I received today from multiple sources. It’s amazing how people can speak such powerful words and have no idea how they are effecting (affecting?) those who hear what they have to say. Trouble is I spend way too much time waiting for someone else to speak truth to my power, and holding on thinking that someone else is going to say what I need to hear or give me the right answer when the truth of the matter is, my voice is the strongest and most accurate one I will ever need.

Here’s to speaking my own truth to power!

Ase,

Empress

guess who’s bizaack!

MoE Massive,

My apologies for leaving you high and dry and on such a somber note. I was having a moment, but no worries, the Empress is still chugging on committed to having at all. Since I’ve been gone there’s been a lot going on (mostly in my head lol) but there’s also been a lot of growth.

i headed back home to dominica where i buried my mom and experienced Carnival in DA for the first time. No lie, the burial was difficult, i don’t remember crying that much ever. Not ever, and i’ve cried a lot since she passed. Something about seeing them digging a whole to place her beautiful urn in felt so final. It was the strangest thing…I lived with the urn for 2 years,  carried the urn on my back from Jerz to NY, got stuck in Puerto Rico and Antigua with her and I was fine..The urn was a this beautiful blue and white china pattern like some other pieces that she used to collect…i didn’t want to separate from it. I think if they didn’t drag me away from the cemetery, i might be still sitting next to her grave or trying to dig it up. But i recognize the from earth we come and to the earth we must return so im making peace with the fact that her physical remains are back home in the same soil that birthed her. It just renews my connection to the beautiful island that I have always considered home.

So I’m working on that, in the meantime, working on focus. I’ve been having some amazingly transformational experiences with leadership, decision making, planning, life mapping,etc and I’m trying to use all of them to direct my next steps. I’ve also had the revelation that I need to be a lil more silent to find my true voice. I read somewhere that talking about things all the times gives you a false sense that you are doing something, even if you are not actually making any forward movements. So my postings from now on will be measurable progress, ideally completed goals…and other random musings lol.

For instance I just completed my Non Profit Management Certificate! Def a resume booster and the classes were really helpful in learning the nuances of the non-profit world and are making my life as a Director a lot easier. I’ll keep you posted on other creative ways i will be putting it to use :0)

Well that’s enough for now, I’m off to working on eating the elephant…one bite at a time. talk to you soon!

ciao for now,

empress

Moment of Defeat?

Im feeling a little down…primarily because I feel like im spinning my wheels and aint doing nothing but digging myself deeper into the ground. I’ve been reading…I’ve been writing..I’ve been connecting, but I still feel like much of what Im doing are the little things that are really insignificant in the grand scheme of things…Damn! How do I change that channel? I’m trying to check myself, I even tried to create a community of folks who could help in the support process…sat on a conference call by myself for an hour and half. Somewhere in that hour and half, I think God picked up and said “you gotta do it dolo first kid.” hmmm. I hate working alone. Ive learned that about myself in the last year. But I guess somethings just gotta get done and if you wait around for other folks to do them with you, you’ll be waiting a loooong time ( like me on that conference call tonight).

There is a still a part of me operating out of fear. I’ve moved past the fear of what if it doesn’t work to what if it isn’t right or what if no one cares and my new favorite, what if someone else is already doing it…I cut off my cable for economic and purpose driven reasons but it has only succeeded in giving me more time to think about limitations and the fact that it’s just me. I think every day of the last few weeks, I’ve spent a good portion of my day wondering if what I think i want is what I really want. Wheel Spinning, mental edition.

Maybe I’ll just spend this week wallowing…or better yet, not doing anything. Perhaps the empty feeling of complete action will remotivate me to do big things? Heck, the other option i guess would be to keep on wheel spinning…my feet are tired…that aint gonna work.

Any suggestions?  A sista could use some suggestions.